Backseat Cook
A wife was making fried eggs for her husband for breakfast. Suddenly her husband burst into the kitchen.
"Careful... Careful!!! Put in some more butter! Oh my God! You're cooking too many at once. Too many! Turn them! Turn them now! We need more butter. Oh my God! Where are we going to get more butter? They're going to stick! Careful... Careful!!! I said be careful! You never listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you crazy? Have you lost your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. Use the salt! The salt!"
The wife stared at him and asked, "What the hell is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"
The husband calmly replied, "I wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving with you in the car."
Wedding Colors Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?" "Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life." The child thought about this for a moment, then said, "So why is the groom wearing black?" | |
Divorce News
An elderly man in Phoenix calls his son in New York and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough."
"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams.
"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old man says "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her," and he hangs up.
Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like hell they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this." She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at the old man, "You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.
The old man hangs up his phone, too, and turns to his wife. "Okay," he says, "they're coming for Thanksgiving. Now what do we tell them for Christmas?"
Romantic Food
Joe was not a very romantic person, and furthermore he was rather stupid. But he wanted to impress his wife, so he took her out for an anniversary dinner and watched the couples around them, following their leads.
He observed the couple next to him. The man lifted a sugar shaker towards his wife's cup and said, "Sugar, sugar?" Joe thought this was great and continued to listen around the dining room.
Another table over Joe observed the following. A man spooned out some honey out of a bowl for his wife and asked, "Honey, honey?"
Again Joe thought this was good stuff.
Finally, he cut off a piece of his meat, stared longingly into his young wife's eyes and said, "Ham, pig?"
Golf Mate
A couple of old friends are trying to play a round of golf when they catch up with two women. They watch with mounting frustration as the ladies manage to hit every water hazard, bunker and piece of rough - without waving them through, as golf etiquette requires. After two tedious hours of waiting, one of the men decides enough is enough and walks over to ask them if he can play through. He strides up the fairway, but halfway up stops suddenly and quickly returns. "I can't do it," he says to his playing partner. "One of those women is my wife, and the other is my mistress! Maybe it'd be better if you went to talk to them." The second man agrees, but halfway there he too, noticeably slows down, stops and returns, just like his colleague had done. "What's up?" asks the first man. "I tell you what," says the second man, gazing at his shoes and smiling sheepishly. "It's a small world, isn't it?"
At A Wedding
A person wishing the groom... "I don't know whether to congratulate you, or pity you."
CIA Final Test(its a little sick)
Three men are getting ready for their final test to become CIA agents. The instructor says that their final test is to kill their wives. So, the instructor hands a gun to the first guy and he goes into another room where his wife is. The man returns just a few minutes later and says that he loves his wife too much and can't go through with it.
The second guy goes into the room with the gun to kill his wife. He returns 10 minutes later and says that even though he really wants to become an agent he just couldn't kill his wife.
So, the instructor hands the gun off to the third guy and he proceeds into the room. After about 15 minutes they hear three gun shots go off. The man returns a few minutes afterwards all sweaty and out of breath. The instructor asks the man what happened and the man replied "Some idiot put blanks in the gun so I had to strangle the b****".
To be 10 again.
A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, observing his wife turning back and forth, looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not far off, he asked what she'd like to have for her Birthday.
I'd like to be 10 again, she replied, still looking in the mirror.
On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms, and then took her to a theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster everything there was.
Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was Reeling and her stomach felt upside down. He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake.
Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favourite sweets, M&M's. What a fabulous adventure!
Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted.
He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, Well Dear, What was it like being 10 again?? Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed. I meant my Dress Size, you idiot!!
The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is going to get it wrong.
Thats all for now,more to come in a day or so,maybe later...
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