After a late afternoon get-together of co-workers, a man drove his secretary home because she had too much to drink. Although nothing happened between the two of them, he decided to not bother mentioning it to his wife.
Later that evening, the man and his wife were driving to a movie when he suddenly noticed a high-heeled shoe sticking out from under the passenger seat. Thinking fast, he asked his wife to watch out her window for a parking spot near the theater and as she was busy looking, he grabbed the shoe and tossed it out of his window.
They arrived at the theater a few minutes later and were about to get out of the car when his wife asked, "Darling, have you seen my other shoe?"
Some Good News
A woman called her husband at work and told him she had some good news and some bad news. "Which do you want first?" she asked.
With a sigh the husband replied, "Let me have the good news first dear."
"Ok," she said, "well ... the air bags work ... "
You Call This Fun?
An angry wife was complaining to her husband about his spending all his time at the pub, so he decided to take her along one night.
"What'll ya have?" he asked.
"Oh, I guess I'll just have the same as you," she replied.
So, the husband ordered a couple of Jack Daniel's and threw his back in one gulp. His wife watched him, then took a sip from her glass and immediately spit it out.
"Yuck!" she spluttered. "That was horrible. I don't know how you can drink this stuff!"
"Well, there you go," cried the husband. "And you think I'm out enjoying myself every night!"
So Much For Mom's Advice
A young man phoned his mother and excitedly announced that he had just met the woman of his dreams. "What should I do now, Mom?" he asked.
"Well, why don't you send her flowers and, on the card, invite her to your place for a home cooked meal?" his mother suggested.
The young man thought this sounded like a great idea. A week later, the woman came to dinner.
The following day, his mother called him to see how things had gone.
"I have never been so humiliated, Mom," he moaned. "She insisted on washing the dishes."
"What's wrong with that?" asked his mother.
"We hadn't started eating yet!" groaned the young man
| A Couple of Black Eyes Louis arrived home from work one day sporting two black eyes. "What on earth happened to you?" asked his wife. "Well, while I was on the bus this morning going to work this fat lady got up to get off," Louis explained. "As she passed by, I noticed that her skirt was caught up in the crack of her butt. Hoping to save her some embarrassment, I reached over and pulled it out and she turned around and hit me in the eye." "And how do you explain the other eye?" his wife inquired. "Well, I figured I must have done something wrong," Louis said, "so as she turned to walk away, I reached over and tucked it back in!" |
Tie Me Up
A man comes home from work and is greeted by his wife. She's dressed in a sexy little nightie.
"Tie me up," she purrs, "and you can do anything you want."
So, he ties her up and goes out for a round of golf.
Sam wakes up at home with a huge hangover. Forcing himself to open his eyes, the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table. He sits down and notices his clothes in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, all spotless and clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table, "Sweetheart, your breakfast is on the stove. I had to leave early to go shopping. Love you."
So, he goes to the kitchen and, sure enough, there is a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is sitting at the table, eating.
"What happened last night, son?" Sam asks.
His son replies, "Well, you came home after 3:00 AM, very drunk and delirious. Broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into the door."
Confused, Sam asks, "So, why is everything in order and so clean, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"
"Oh that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you said, 'Lady, leave me alone. I'm married'," his son replies.
Marriage Lessons
On their 40th wedding anniversary and during the banquet celebrating it, Tom was asked to give his friends a brief account of the benefits of a marriage of such long duration.
"Tell us Tom, just what is it you have learned from all those wonderful years with your wife?"
Tom responds, "Well, I've learned that marriage is the best teacher of all. It teaches you loyalty, forbearance, meekness, self-restraint, forgiveness --and a great many other qualities you wouldn't have needed if you'd stayed single."
A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away. As the pallbearers are carrying out the casket, they accidentally bump into a wall. Hearing a faint moan from inside, the woman's husband opens the casket and finds that his wife is actually alive!
She dies again, 10 years later, at which point her husband has to go through another funeral. This time when the pallbearers carry the casket toward the door, the husband yells out, "Watch out for that f***ing wall!"
Women Skinny Dipping
An elderly man in North Carolina had owned a large farm for several years.
He had a large pond in the back, fixed up nice; picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.
As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.
As he came closer , he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.
One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"
The old man frowned and replied, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked." Holding the bucket up he said,
"I'm here to feed the alligator."
Marriage Joke
Jerry was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully. "Give me one last request, Dear," he said.
"Of course, Jerry," his wife said softly.
"Six months after I die," he said, "I want you to marry Bob."
"But I thought you hated Bob," she said.
With his last breath Jerry said, "I do!"
Revenge
A shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage, he finally goes over to her and asks tentatively. "Would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?"
To which she responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "NO, I WON'T SLEEP WITH YOU TONIGHT!"
Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table. After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a journalist and I've got an assignment to study how people respond to embarrassing situations."
To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "WHAT DO YOU MEAN $200?"
Blonde Revenge
A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun.
She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door she finds him in the arms of a redhead.
Well, the blonde is really angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head.
The boyfriend yells, "No, honey, don't do it!!!"
The blonde replies, "Shut up, you're next!"
I Like Your Thinking
A teacher asks her class, ''If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?'' She calls on little Johnny.
''None, they all fly away with the first gunshot.''
The teacher replies, ''The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking.'' Then Little Johnny says, ''I have a question for YOU. There are three women sitting on a bench having ice cream. One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?''
The teacher, blushing a great deal, replies, ''Well I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone.''
''The correct answer is the one with the wedding ring on...but I like your thinking.''
Enough For A while,read too much jokes as it is..need a break...more to come,in a few days or soooo!
A man comes home from work and is greeted by his wife. She's dressed in a sexy little nightie.
"Tie me up," she purrs, "and you can do anything you want."
So, he ties her up and goes out for a round of golf.
Lose The Beard
A married man was spending the afternoon with his girlfriend when she asked that he shave his beard.
"I do like your beard, John, but I would really love to see your handsome face," she said.
"My wife loves this beard, honey," he replied. "I couldn't possibly shave it. She would kill me."
"Oh, please?" his girlfriend purred.
"Really, I can't," he replied. "My wife loves this beard!"
The girlfriend asked once more, and he sighed and finally gave in.
That night, John crawled into bed with his wife while she was sleeping.
His wife stirred, felt his face, and said, "Oh, Robert, you shouldn't be here. My husband will be home soon!"
The Morning AfterA married man was spending the afternoon with his girlfriend when she asked that he shave his beard.
"I do like your beard, John, but I would really love to see your handsome face," she said.
"My wife loves this beard, honey," he replied. "I couldn't possibly shave it. She would kill me."
"Oh, please?" his girlfriend purred.
"Really, I can't," he replied. "My wife loves this beard!"
The girlfriend asked once more, and he sighed and finally gave in.
That night, John crawled into bed with his wife while she was sleeping.
His wife stirred, felt his face, and said, "Oh, Robert, you shouldn't be here. My husband will be home soon!"
Sam wakes up at home with a huge hangover. Forcing himself to open his eyes, the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table. He sits down and notices his clothes in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, all spotless and clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table, "Sweetheart, your breakfast is on the stove. I had to leave early to go shopping. Love you."
So, he goes to the kitchen and, sure enough, there is a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is sitting at the table, eating.
"What happened last night, son?" Sam asks.
His son replies, "Well, you came home after 3:00 AM, very drunk and delirious. Broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into the door."
Confused, Sam asks, "So, why is everything in order and so clean, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"
"Oh that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you said, 'Lady, leave me alone. I'm married'," his son replies.
Marriage Lessons
On their 40th wedding anniversary and during the banquet celebrating it, Tom was asked to give his friends a brief account of the benefits of a marriage of such long duration.
"Tell us Tom, just what is it you have learned from all those wonderful years with your wife?"
Tom responds, "Well, I've learned that marriage is the best teacher of all. It teaches you loyalty, forbearance, meekness, self-restraint, forgiveness --and a great many other qualities you wouldn't have needed if you'd stayed single."
Supermarket
A man approached a very beautiful woman in a large supermarket and said, "You know, I've lost my wife somewhere in this huge supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?" "Why?" she asks. "Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman, my wife suddenly appears out of nowhere and I'm tired of looking for her!
Everything I Need
A married couple is driving down the interstate doing 55 mph. The husband is behind the wheel. His wife looks over at him and says, "Honey, I know we've been married for 15 years, but, I want a divorce."
The husband says nothing but slowly increases speed to 60 mph.
She then says, "I don't want you to try to talk me out of it, because I've been having an affair with your best friend, and he's a much better lover than you."
Again the husband stays quiet and just speeds up as his anger increases.
She says, "I want the house." Again the husband speeds up, and now is doing 70 mph.
She says, "I want the kids, too."
The husband just keeps driving faster, and faster, now he's up to 80 mph.
She says, "I want the car, the checking account, and all the credit cards, too."
The husband slowly starts to veer toward a bridge overpass piling, as she says, "Is there anything you want?"
The husband says, "No, I've got everything I need."
She asks, "What's that?"
The husband replies just before they hit the wall at 90 mph, "I've got
the airbag!"
Return of The DeadA man approached a very beautiful woman in a large supermarket and said, "You know, I've lost my wife somewhere in this huge supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?" "Why?" she asks. "Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman, my wife suddenly appears out of nowhere and I'm tired of looking for her!
Everything I Need
A married couple is driving down the interstate doing 55 mph. The husband is behind the wheel. His wife looks over at him and says, "Honey, I know we've been married for 15 years, but, I want a divorce."
The husband says nothing but slowly increases speed to 60 mph.
She then says, "I don't want you to try to talk me out of it, because I've been having an affair with your best friend, and he's a much better lover than you."
Again the husband stays quiet and just speeds up as his anger increases.
She says, "I want the house." Again the husband speeds up, and now is doing 70 mph.
She says, "I want the kids, too."
The husband just keeps driving faster, and faster, now he's up to 80 mph.
She says, "I want the car, the checking account, and all the credit cards, too."
The husband slowly starts to veer toward a bridge overpass piling, as she says, "Is there anything you want?"
The husband says, "No, I've got everything I need."
She asks, "What's that?"
The husband replies just before they hit the wall at 90 mph, "I've got
the airbag!"
A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away. As the pallbearers are carrying out the casket, they accidentally bump into a wall. Hearing a faint moan from inside, the woman's husband opens the casket and finds that his wife is actually alive!
She dies again, 10 years later, at which point her husband has to go through another funeral. This time when the pallbearers carry the casket toward the door, the husband yells out, "Watch out for that f***ing wall!"
Women Skinny Dipping
An elderly man in North Carolina had owned a large farm for several years.
He had a large pond in the back, fixed up nice; picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.
As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.
As he came closer , he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.
One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"
The old man frowned and replied, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked." Holding the bucket up he said,
"I'm here to feed the alligator."
Marriage Joke
Jerry was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully. "Give me one last request, Dear," he said.
"Of course, Jerry," his wife said softly.
"Six months after I die," he said, "I want you to marry Bob."
"But I thought you hated Bob," she said.
With his last breath Jerry said, "I do!"
Revenge
A shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage, he finally goes over to her and asks tentatively. "Would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?"
To which she responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "NO, I WON'T SLEEP WITH YOU TONIGHT!"
Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table. After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a journalist and I've got an assignment to study how people respond to embarrassing situations."
To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "WHAT DO YOU MEAN $200?"
Blonde Revenge
A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun.
She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door she finds him in the arms of a redhead.
Well, the blonde is really angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head.
The boyfriend yells, "No, honey, don't do it!!!"
The blonde replies, "Shut up, you're next!"
I Like Your Thinking
A teacher asks her class, ''If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?'' She calls on little Johnny.
''None, they all fly away with the first gunshot.''
The teacher replies, ''The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking.'' Then Little Johnny says, ''I have a question for YOU. There are three women sitting on a bench having ice cream. One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?''
The teacher, blushing a great deal, replies, ''Well I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone.''
''The correct answer is the one with the wedding ring on...but I like your thinking.''
Enough For A while,read too much jokes as it is..need a break...more to come,in a few days or soooo!
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